Procrastination and baby bump!

I had meant to make this post almost two weeks ago now. Lyle and I went up with both our parents and my brother to the Crop Production show - oh, the excitement of a farming life! - where we told Lyle's sister about the pregnancy. I wanted to make a post after that, but there is one thing I'm good at and that is procrastination. I've managed to put off almost everything at one point that was not immediately important (and nothing ever is). It takes me a few days to get through dishes and laundry, which actually only makes the situation worse as things pile up and I get to the next stack of dishes or load of laundry with the speed of a snail. But anyway! Lyle's sister was shocked (almost to the point where she thought we were joking) and then got very excited. I think that will be most people's reaction and I've become content with this fact.

The first prenatal appointment is two weeks from now and by this point, I just want to be able to tell people. We've already run into a few speed bumps, one being that Lyle's dad accidently made a quip about baby showers around one of my brother's friends during lunch when we were at the Crop Production show, but he didn't hear. We got lucky this time. Only two more weeks! Another few problems - about three weeks before my prospective due date, I am going to be the maid of honor at my best friend's wedding. She's getting the dresses hand made, which is great, but she wants them done by March and that will not fly since my stomach will be a hot air balloon by August. I know she won't be upset, but it's mostly working up the courage to tell her. Another problem is that friends of ours have set their wedding date three days before my due date and Lyle is the best man. But everything will work out, as long as my water doesn't break during the ceremony.

I noticed last night that I actually have a baby bump! Well, I think it's a baby bump. It might just be from my excessive eating. So, we took our first baby bump picture and marked it at eight weeks. Still have to wait to put it on Facebook or anything, but it's there! Starting to feel a little more real, but my brain is still telling me that I should step away from the chocolate and start walking again, which really isn't a bad idea. I've fallen off my health-kick train. I was doing good and then saw chips and candy and pizza and, well, I just kind of forgot that I'm supposed to be eating better. I bought all this flax seed and yogurt and fruit and I opt for a bag of Skittles and A&W (granted, I don't eat out all the often, one of the greater things about living a small town in the middle of nowhere). It hasn't helped that Lyle has been sick for the last few days, so I'm even less motivated to eat well. But I think the cold snap is over and I might start being able to go for walks again. I just need Lyle to push me out the door to get going.

I guess there are more things I want to talk about, like writing and reading and the alternatives to regular disposable baby diapers that I've been researching, but I have to shampoo carpets tomorrow at work, so I should go to bed soon.

- Kim

New thoughts, new paths to take

Having this baby is making me rethink a lot of values and morals, life choices and experiences yet to be had, passions and hopes for the future. I think I'm mostly having a hard time adjusting, but it is a needed transition. I have found within the last few months that quit a number of moments in my life has lead me to some drastic changes in my life that were much needed. Maybe what I thought was bad timing turned out to be the best timing.

It's not just my body or my life changing, my way of thinking has to change. I am trying to hold on desperately to the things that mean the most to me, personally. I have narrowed down the things that I know I could never give up and, even though I may have to sacrifice them for a little while, things I can do when this baby arrives. It will be hard not be selfish or taking my time. It's taken me four days to do our laundry. It's that kind of stuff that I can fall behind on. I don't want to think that when this baby comes, I will instantly jump into action. I am trying to get into that mindset now. I am lucky to have family and friends so close, but I don't want to be stranded in own home, feeling like I'm sinking with every weight pushing down on me. Sometimes, I already have that feeling.

I was watching documentaries on a website last night, aimlessly clicking through a few, not really paying attention. I ended up on one about a 13 year old girl in the UK who grew up in a strict Christian home, following the ten commandments, not really following current pop culture or trends. It wasn't so much the video that made me think, but the comments section. Naturally, where there is religion, a religious debate pops up. I try to avoid these things, especially on the internet, because you never can win. The internet is where the most die-hard join to reign down on the masses - you may have your opinion and your argument may be convincing, but these people are committed to their personal beliefs. I did make a few comments, getting upset at the insults and name-calling and general nastiness from both sides. Then I stepped back and took a moment. I thought, What does it matter?

I can't describe my beliefs, but they certainly aren't religious in any sense. I don't want to be so arrogant as to say that I am an atheist and no gods exist, but I guess that is the simplest way to explain it. I like to think of myself as a humanitarian--I believe in the goodness of people and their own will to make the choices they make. I was a Christian for a very long time and while some aspects of the faith still draw me in, I have seen too many things and had too many experiences to fully trust any organized religion. I even distance myself from the atheist community. I fear hatred, rejection, anger, and loss. I fear pressure, guilt, shame and feeling like a heathen because of what I believe.

I want to raise my children with the idea that they have a choice. That is my personal choice. I hope that other people can agree with me. Whether they choose atheism, Christianity, Buddhism, Taoism, Paganism, I want them to know that it's theirs and no one can take that away from them. We live in a country where we are free to believe what we want and though people will hate you for that choice, they cannot take it away from you.

But because I believe in giving my kid's a choice, it doesn't mean that I think devout religious or atheist parents are wrong. As long as the child is not being hurt, is not neglected or abused, is not starved, has a clean clothes and home, has a loving and supportive family, and as long as they aren't hurting others, then what gives me the right to get mad? Those kids will grow up and they will either choose to continue their faith or not. They will be adults and can do as they please. They might lose their family in the process, but if their faith, whether it's in a god or science, means that much to them, it is a consequence they will have to weigh.

It's these kinds of things that are making me change my thinking. I have been convinced that I would raise my children in a strictly atheist home, but I don't need to. Even though I am technically a Lutheran and Lyle is technically a Catholic, we spend two days of the year in church. It is not a prominent part in our lives and doesn't conflict with our everyday morals or values. I was so worried before that any influence would tilt the scale not in my favour, but I am trying not to be worried. I want my children to know no fear when it comes to what they choose for themselves.

- Kim

The beginning

I said I wasn't going to make New Year's resolutions this year, since I never keep them, but I guess this will be a year of big changes and amazing opportunities. I have a little life growing in me, so time to get my life in order, right?

Though it was a planned pregnancy, it came on so quickly I'm still having a hard time believing any of this is real. Lyle, my handsome and wonderful boyfriend, and I have told our parents and siblings, who are a mix of shocked, excited and worried. We are waiting until after my first prenatal appointment in February to tell the rest of our friends and family. We'll see if we can wait that long.

Lyle is beyond excited. His mom said that he already had those daddy eyes, bright and glowing. I think I just look stunned. I still am stunned. I'm worried that I'm not ready, that I'm too young (only 21!), that I won't be a good mom, that I won't even realize I'm a mom--but, really, I'm worried that something will go wrong and all this excitement I've been hiding will be for nothing. I wish and hope and pray that everything goes right. I will take all the bloatedness, cramps, food cravings, and even my teeth falling out if it means this baby comes happy and healthy!

So, here is my little blog, some place to rest my thoughts, be part of a community and figure what kind of family we will be. I have so many advantages: both sides of the family within a half-hour drive or less, aunts and uncles near and far willing to drive, I'm very healthy despite my lack of exercise and weakness for all things sugar, and a man who loves me and loves this little thing we've created. Sometimes I forget just how lucky I am.

Now, resolutions:

1. Send something off for publication--hopefully a book or short story collection by the end of the year
2. Read at least 100 books (did I mention I'm insane?)
3. Start going for walks on nice days--take advantage of an unreasonably warm winter in Canada!
4. Keep this blog updated, hoping people will eventually read it
5. Be happy and remember to love all my friends and family

- Kim