New thoughts, new paths to take

Having this baby is making me rethink a lot of values and morals, life choices and experiences yet to be had, passions and hopes for the future. I think I'm mostly having a hard time adjusting, but it is a needed transition. I have found within the last few months that quit a number of moments in my life has lead me to some drastic changes in my life that were much needed. Maybe what I thought was bad timing turned out to be the best timing.

It's not just my body or my life changing, my way of thinking has to change. I am trying to hold on desperately to the things that mean the most to me, personally. I have narrowed down the things that I know I could never give up and, even though I may have to sacrifice them for a little while, things I can do when this baby arrives. It will be hard not be selfish or taking my time. It's taken me four days to do our laundry. It's that kind of stuff that I can fall behind on. I don't want to think that when this baby comes, I will instantly jump into action. I am trying to get into that mindset now. I am lucky to have family and friends so close, but I don't want to be stranded in own home, feeling like I'm sinking with every weight pushing down on me. Sometimes, I already have that feeling.

I was watching documentaries on a website last night, aimlessly clicking through a few, not really paying attention. I ended up on one about a 13 year old girl in the UK who grew up in a strict Christian home, following the ten commandments, not really following current pop culture or trends. It wasn't so much the video that made me think, but the comments section. Naturally, where there is religion, a religious debate pops up. I try to avoid these things, especially on the internet, because you never can win. The internet is where the most die-hard join to reign down on the masses - you may have your opinion and your argument may be convincing, but these people are committed to their personal beliefs. I did make a few comments, getting upset at the insults and name-calling and general nastiness from both sides. Then I stepped back and took a moment. I thought, What does it matter?

I can't describe my beliefs, but they certainly aren't religious in any sense. I don't want to be so arrogant as to say that I am an atheist and no gods exist, but I guess that is the simplest way to explain it. I like to think of myself as a humanitarian--I believe in the goodness of people and their own will to make the choices they make. I was a Christian for a very long time and while some aspects of the faith still draw me in, I have seen too many things and had too many experiences to fully trust any organized religion. I even distance myself from the atheist community. I fear hatred, rejection, anger, and loss. I fear pressure, guilt, shame and feeling like a heathen because of what I believe.

I want to raise my children with the idea that they have a choice. That is my personal choice. I hope that other people can agree with me. Whether they choose atheism, Christianity, Buddhism, Taoism, Paganism, I want them to know that it's theirs and no one can take that away from them. We live in a country where we are free to believe what we want and though people will hate you for that choice, they cannot take it away from you.

But because I believe in giving my kid's a choice, it doesn't mean that I think devout religious or atheist parents are wrong. As long as the child is not being hurt, is not neglected or abused, is not starved, has a clean clothes and home, has a loving and supportive family, and as long as they aren't hurting others, then what gives me the right to get mad? Those kids will grow up and they will either choose to continue their faith or not. They will be adults and can do as they please. They might lose their family in the process, but if their faith, whether it's in a god or science, means that much to them, it is a consequence they will have to weigh.

It's these kinds of things that are making me change my thinking. I have been convinced that I would raise my children in a strictly atheist home, but I don't need to. Even though I am technically a Lutheran and Lyle is technically a Catholic, we spend two days of the year in church. It is not a prominent part in our lives and doesn't conflict with our everyday morals or values. I was so worried before that any influence would tilt the scale not in my favour, but I am trying not to be worried. I want my children to know no fear when it comes to what they choose for themselves.

- Kim